Suppression

Suppression

I suddenly noticed how bright was the sun and how lively is the world around me. I learned to appreciate again my surroundings and found myself being loved again.

I was given everything I desired. I was treated like a queen. I was loved like there’s nobody else in the world. It’s just the two of us.

I became his best friend, his priced possession. No one could dare take a look at me. He would wrap his arms around me to tell the world, “I am his.” I first thought it was romantic. I drew myself closer to him everyday. I didn’t care how I look or even how I dress… all I knew was that he loved me no matter what.

Our world revolved around each other. We have no other friends. We’re not thinking of others as long as we stayed together. My life fully depended on him…not realizing that living our lives apart from the rest of the world was becoming less ideal.

I felt suppressed all of a sudden and I resisted. But I was made to believe that I can’t do anything apart from him. I tried to get out but I found myself gravitating back. It has gotten so bad that getting out of my comfort zone was now missing in my vocabulary.

Until the day came when someone else gave me a reason to smile. I wanted to look beautiful all of a sudden. I wanted to dress up keeping my hair neat all the time. Soon, I went out on a date outside our relationship… I’ve become unfaithful.

He was devastated when he found out. I dreaded to see him but I have to face the truth. I asked him to let me go but he wouldn’t let me. He loved me too much to let go but he also loved too much to forgive me. He asked for something in return so he could forgive my unfaithfulness. I was so scared of what he could do that I finally gave in… I was in tears, I was helpless… but that was the price I have to “pay” for hurting him.

Days passed and we’ve tried building our world again but it was too stiff to build something not founded in love anymore.

We lived in doubts, curses, pains, and uncertainty. He pushed me further in guilt. He kept reminding me of my unfaithfulness every time he gets the chance. I couldn’t see a future for us together anymore but he does not want any of it. He was still holding on to that love we first had and made new promises.

I was too tired of living and pretending that we can still save whatever there was left. Oh how I wished, I never get too scared of so many “what ifs.” I’m glad though that I was able to gather enough strength to break free. There were no amount of his overflowing tears and begs stopped me from walking away.

That was something I should’ve have done a long time…

Whatever I have experienced from that soul damaging relationship contributed to my growth. And part of who I am now is because of that painful experience.

I don’t want to say he’s not a good man. In fact he really was. But the thing was, he let the wrong kind of love get the best of him.

My journey continue as I left behind a painful past of suppression.

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